Help is wanted at Tennessee and Florida and and and ... and few things exhaust the brain like a search (and mentioning Gruden)
There are two drastically different reactions among the two factions of folks who pay the most attention to coaching hotseats and then changes and searches.
Fans love it, because as much as the cheer for success, they take a disturbing joy in one person's inability to succeed enough, in that person's public dismissal.
Fans are often miserable, immature people, sometimes quietly and sometimes loudly.
The other group taking no joy in any of it: the media. Other than homers.
Opposing coaches may not like somebody, but it would have to be a stunningly bitter relationship to take fan-like joy in somebody's life-changing moment.
That said, people around here just went through one almost two years ago in Athens, and now they're paying attention to what's going on in Knoxville and Gainesville.
And pretty much every such search, on whatever level and for whatever sport, is the same. Fans are delusional, you wonder why ADs need burly search firms, and the press conference is ferociously overrated.
Athletics directors - and we'll discuss the stupidity anymore of massive buyouts, because how many situations on both sides do those numbers screw up? - who worry about the press conference are morons. Fans who get overly giddy about how somebody looked or sounded in the press conference are simple.
And among the dumbest phrases written regarding such occasions is "win/won the press conference."
Who doesn't win the press conference?
If I'm a fan, I want to see somebody likeable and fairly bright. That's what gives me hope, not regurgitating the same speech offered at every single solitary hiring press conference in America in history.
Be likable. Be stable. Be an adult. I don't need a cheerleader or businessman or whatever.
Now, as for who gets introduced in that press conference.
I believe in certain minimums in hiring a head coach, and then the head coach hiring assistants.
There's certainly the logical stuff: general competence, integrity, honesty, playing by the rules, enthusiasm and an ability to get along with others (from co-workers to parents to kids).
Of course, not many of those are relevant to fans.
Resume-wise, stability at some point in time is absolutely huge. I want proof you can hold a job, and do something while you're there, on your own.
Specifically, I want at least one time when a coach was at a place for four years, preferably five.
That's extremely relevant.
For one, again, stability on its face is important. But four years - five is better - shows me the full gamut of the job: recruiting, player development, player retention, consistency, work in practice and how you coach on Saturday.
One or two years can be a fluke. And you get an idea of somebody who's a perennial short-timer - why, hey, Coach VanGorder/Petrino/et al., how ya doin'? - by what happens after they leave.
Too, as why at least one of us was skeptical of the hire in Athens two years ago, I'd like to see a level of independence, that you've done something on your own.
Yes, let's be honest, until proven otherwise, many of us look at Kirby Smart as Alabama's defensive coordinator and his boss - the most controlling-ever-aspect boss imaginable - as the executive DC.
He needs time to prove himself, and not being allowed to do what most coordinators do will hamper him, whether we see it or not.
The most successful head coaches generally are the ones who do the best hiring. Having offensive problems doesn't mean I must hire an offensive head coach, it means I must hire somebody who knows how to fix something, and that means by hiring the right person and, well, delegating with input but working together.
Too many minds in the meetings - howdy there, Coach Richt and Coach Bobo - tends to muddle the potential.
And remember how solid Richt's no-name staff was those first few years, which turned Georgia around in the right direction.
A certain level of public people skills are relevant. Don't worry about message boards, posters, airplanes with banners or fans in general. Be nice, be friendly, shmooze a little bit at the offseason gatherings, communicate like an adult, be an adult with the media, and move on.
But the last collection of opinions to worry about if you're going about your job is fans.
Coaching searches and the names fans throw out just about makes you cry, and pray that they're done reproducing.
Know this: you are not a fan of the best school and team and program and stadium and people in the country. Know that fans of 40 schools think the same way, and everybody's right and wrong.
Know that every job out there has positives and negatives, including yours (and the lucidity/instability of a fan base is a little part). Know that there is a world outside of your little world.
All major programs have some money, or can get some. They all have support. They all have good schools. They all are on TV. They all have facilities. They all have pluses and minuses. The vast majority of moves anymore for "names" are lateral.
Thus, know that 8 of the first 1o "names" you're actually familiar with ain't comin', ain't comin', ain't comin', and ain't going to think about it.
For lucid people, things like quality of life and the quality and reputation of those in charge is huge. Coach already has money, does this next job match more money with more headaches? Some are smart enough to know that not every job is the right fit.
It's not about money as much as you think, for a variety of reasons. Many coaches do have the substance to look at other aspects. Money doesn't always make the move worth it, and thankfully most ignore that simpletonish "and who wants to live in _____?" or "how can you not want to live in _______?"
Good coaches want more money for assistants and facilities, so trust the coach who haggles for that, for perhaps an increase in budget. Coaches don't have that much time to spend all that money, so it's not as relevant you think.
And money doesn't indicate who the best coaches are. Why, aren't you the best at what you do yet not paid justly?
Geography doesn't eliminate a candidate, but can be a tiebreaker. A sport is universal, and those aforementioned traits cross over to whether you say "cheesy grits" or "cheese steak." George O'Leary recruited the South at Georgia Tech and Central Florida. Nick Saban is from West Virginia and spent 1973-87 and 1990-99 basically in the Northeast and Midwest.
We're not counting the Saban's two seasons in Miami as "the South."
Age - moreso too much of it - isn't an issue. Anymore, if you get 5-7 good years out of a hire, you won that hire.
Saban is 66, Bill Snyder is 78, Jim Grobe is 65, and so on. Not that many older guys, but remember, Urban Meyer had that, ahem, health issue before he was 50.
A lack of success in a previous stop doesn't eliminate a candidate. There's timing and fit and other circumstances that can lead to struggles.
Again, from this HR seat, there are certain automatic qualifiers and disqualifiers. So when the ADs at Florida and Tennessee call for consultation - which they should - I'll offer this:
No to Jon Gruden, and for the love of God, the urge to take a helmet full of concrete to those who ... never mind.
Who in their right mind hires a TV guy - engaging as all get out, no question - who hasn't coached since 2008, won only 54.1 percent of his games as a head coach, hasn't been on a college sideline sine 1991 - I said 1991, and that was at Pitt - and has only three years as a college assistant.
Note that the Super Bowl win at Tampa Bay came in his first season, and was followed promptly by two losing season en route to a 57-55 record.
Other than his QB show/camp, exactly how connected is he with who the best assistants are? Building a college infrastructure is much different than a pro one.
And there's them college rules it's doubtful he'd handle smoothly or patiently.
Plus, nobody that unproven is worth the money that'll be thrown his way.
And please stop - with Gruden and every candidate ever - with geographic connections.
He barely passes the stability test, with six years as head coach at Tampa Bay, his last coaching job.
Nine years ago.
Enjoy him on TV, because that’s where he’s the best. The college fit, at any college, is non-existent. Except as a quiet consultant, if it’s with a coach who listens.
“Maybe" to Chip Kelly, because this blooey about not having been in the South - which is, yes, a very unique region of the country - is pretty irrelevant.
Recruiting is recruiting - you're likable or not, and few coaches aren't full of enough you-know-what to sell - and coaching is coaching. And he has success.
Kelly passes the stability test twice, a rarity, with more than a decade at New Hampshire (running backs, offensive line, offensive coordinator) and several years at Oregon (offensive coordinator and head coach).
The knock against him here is being dumb enough/desperate enough to take the 493ers job.
Clearing up his status with the NCAA is job 1.
I'm not enamored with Scott Frost at all, for one reason: less than two seasons on the current job.
Being the "hot" coach with so little time on the current job almost automatically disqualifies any coach from my search, because "hot" coaches cool off almost immediately.
What's he done? He's having one good season against a bad schedule in a middle-of-the-road I-A conference, and the lesser of the two divisions.
In 1-plus seasons, he's 1-2 against power-5 teams, losing 51-14 and 30-24 in OT to Maryland last year and beating Maryland 38-10 this year.
Maryland isn't very good.
Dan Mullen fits better at Tennessee than Florida. After all, Mrs. Mullen - and never, ever underestimate family and spouses, especially spouses, in this equation - has expressed less than joy at there time in Gainesville.
The pressure would be of the same level, but a different pressure in Knoxville. Both programs need somebody, anybody who can do something, anything with the QB position.
I'll pass on Mike Leach. Good coach, turned Washington State into something it hasn't been in forever: relevant. But does his shtick work in the SEC, especially if he's struggling? Nope.
I'd take Les Miles, probably more at Tennessee. No, he's not a decade-long hire, but he's engaging, successful, knows the terrain, and can pretty likely get you in a position to make that hire-for-a-decade.
David Cutcliffe's name comes up for Tennessee, but it's a safe bet he'll retire, not just resign, from his current job after a winning season and maybe a bowl win. And then there's ...
We could go around and around, like fans and media are and will. And most of us can't wait for each merry-go-round to stop.